I run. I find relief from pain after I run. I feel stronger when I run. I run away from my darkness. I run away from my fears.
I’ve been repeatedly ill over the last year which has affected my ability to run regularly. Exhaustion from work making my darkness harder to escape from. The thought of getting out for a run so tempting but I was physically tired as though I’ve already run enough miles. There was no escaping the darkness. The frustration pulling the darkness closer. The lack of working out bringing back the pain. When I do get out for a run I struggle with pain, running is supposed to take the pain away! More frustration.
All the best laid plans for managing my workload and trying to do my training plan for running faster this year was not helping manage my darkness. I had to do something! Anything!
I let the darkness in. I slowed down. I almost gave in to hiding in the comfort and warmth of the bed. The hard bit was slowing down. A part of me felt caged in, fighting like a feral animal against the lethargy. A whirling force of emotions that wanted to be free of this treacle speed of existence. Between the darkness and the part of me that wants to escape I was left in the middle going nowhere!! It’s a weird feeling. I want to do everything and as soon as I start to plan or do something I find a way of avoiding the task I’ve planned to do. I’m not even trying to fail. I AM failing! How does that even work! I then get mad at myself for not doing what I planned and then the cycle begins again with me becoming more angry with myself.
How do I get out of this repetitive cycle of destruction and self loathing. Acceptance. Yes I’ve failed. Yes I wasn’t good enough. Yes I planned to do something and I didn’t. Yes I want to go out for a run and I didn’t. It’s okay. This is good!
The whirling caged feeling is easier to deal with now. The darkness feels like night time, the need to rest and recuperate with a good sleep. The next step is to start giving myself little tasks to complete – yes, this blog post is one of those tasks. I’ve been working on this post for the last 3 weeks. Writing/Rewriting, reading and starting from scratch again and again. Accepting that I’m not ready to post this deep dark part of myself. Next is back to math and back to training. GENTLE training!
Whilst this post is a short one and not filled with much running. I plan to get back to the training and planning because there’s another attempt at 100 miles at the end of May 2018.
Have fun out there in the snow/not snow yet!