Fighting the Monster Within

I’ve been quiet over the last couple weeks.  This is the quiet, withdrawn side of me that seems to revel in self recrimination and doubt.  I’m not looking for hugs or boosts.  I’ve come to learn that sometimes I just need to retreat into my cave of darkness and hibernate a little.  Review my life, see what I’ve achieved or failed and assess how to come back fighting fit.  Thing is, I don’t notice this withdrawal from happy, nutters me.   There’s no particular time of year or event that triggers this.  So, bear with me…..hahaha!!

The quiet withdrawal wreaks havoc with my running fitness and my mental toughness to stick out a tough event.  The first failure of Northants Shires and Spires was the first warning sign.  I had blisters, so what!!  Last weekend I attempted the Wales Trail Marathon.  Everything went well up to mile 10.  Then breathing difficulties and knee issues!!  Did I push on?  No.  I just plain quit at the half marathon point.  Was I miserable about it?  Yes, yes I damned well was.  Irritated and angry with myself.  

So here I am.  I’m okay.  I’m not my usual determined self.  Hills are looking like mountains.  The effort to control my diet to help my fitness just seems boring.  

I feel like I’m stuck at the bottom of a well getting a good view of the world but not really feeling part of it.  

But that’s okay.  It has to be!  This is me, this is how I roll.  I will be back.  I just need to relax and be okay with myself.  Accept that I will have failures.  Accept that I can’t push myself through everything I’ve planned for myself.  Recognise my depression and accept it for what it is.  It is a part of me.  It’s who I am.  

So I’m planning myself an Ultra.  Planning helps structure my life and guides me out of this darkness.  Simple plans.  Reccie runs.  Plotting maps.  Investigating routes.  More reccie runs.  Whilst I carry on with the rest of my life and keep on moving as though nothing is wrong.  

Have a great weekend.  I’ll be at Giants Head Marathon.  Lets see if I can get to the finish this time!!



  1. been there so many times. you did a very great thing at the ND50 but it is amazing how much it can take out of you & this should not be underestimated. I have to be REALLY careful with the amount & distance I do because too much & I am driven so far inside myself it is tough to see the outside. I have learnt from experience, which is why i ducked out of trail marathon wales this year (despite the crazy fun of last year :)). it took time & a lot of work to accept that but it sounds like you have a good grasp of where you are at. Hang in there, rebuild, recharge & return with a bang xx

    • Thank you. I’m new to all this distance running. I’ve only been at the big distances for the last two years, but I have noticed the more I push myself the bigger the backlash!!
      Going to take it easy at Giants Head and just enjoy the views. I’ve never seen the giant before so that should be awesome 😉

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